Hell of a Day

Well, It’s been a hell of a day.

I’ll have an Anchor Steam.

Yeah, Jim’s back in jail. His ol’ lady swore out the cops on him again. I don’t know why he keeps getting’ tangled up with her. She’s no good to no man.

I got my own problems with crazy women. Like to land me back in jail too.

It all started a coupla weeks ago. I was walking the dogs. You know I got this job walkin’ dogs for rich folks that don’t got time to walk their own dogs. Why you have dogs that you don’t have time for, I don’t know. My Probation Officer fixed me up with this place where you go and get assigned to some dogs. You go to the house and they give you a dog and you take it to the park or somewhere.

I like this job. You don’t have a boss hanging over your shoulder; the dogs they like you no matter what; you get to wander in the park; what’s not to like?

Yeah, it don’t pay shit.

Anyway, there’s this park about fifteen minutes off the freeway. I like it because nobody much goes there. Most days you can take a dog and wander around for an hour or so and never see a soul. Sometimes they run cattle in the park. The park is grassy hills and little valleys filled with oak trees. This time of year, the grass is all brown. The cattle are gone, probably to someplace where there’s more water. Except for some muddy creeks, it’s bone dry.

I pick up this wolfhound about eight o’clock the other morning, and we go right to the park. I don’t want to go far with him in the car ‘cause a big dog like that makes a mess. You don’t want to sit in the back of my car these days—all dog hair and dry slobber. Anyway, we get to the park just as the sun is drying the dew and start down one of the main trails. They have these fire roads that crisscross the park. Then we head off on a cow trail that goes over the hills. I’m wandering along the cow trail and Ernest, that’s the wolfhound, is runnin’ back ‘n forth up the trail. Just as we get to the top of a small ridge, I see something down in the little valley that stops me like I hit a wall. I slap my leg, and call Ernest to me and clip the leash on him; then we head over behind an oak tree.

On the trail down in the little valley, not more than a couple hundred feet away is one of the most beautiful women I ever seen—and she’s stark naked. I mean she’s got nothing on, not even shoes. She’s walking right toward us. She’s got long blond hair and a pretty face, but I’m staring at her boobs bouncing as she walks. I pull Ernest close to me, wolfhounds don’t bark much—not like some of those nervous dogs—but I don’t want him waggin’ his tail and givin’ us away. I’m peeking at her through the crook of a tree. The sun is full-on her, so I can see her as good as can be. She’s got nice shaped tits that bounce from side to side, and the sun is so strong I can make out her slit in the light brown fuzz between her legs. She walks halfway up the hill towards us. Just as I’m starting to get nervous about what I’m going to do when she gets to me, she turns around. The trail curves around a little before it gets to the bottom and then goes into some trees. I’m watching her bottom bounce along as she walks into the shade. The trail turns just as it enters the trees, and I lose sight of her.

By this time I’ve got a cramp from squatting still so long. I’m thinking what I’m gonna do. I hold Ernest tight on the leash and head down the trail myself. I’m hoping to get another look at her. Somehow you can just never get enough of a naked woman. You know what I mean?

It’s true. I swear it.

Say, my beer’s gone. You wanna buy me one?

You wanna hear what happened next?

Well, I don’t know why I felt like I had to creep along, but when I got out in the open. I did. Hell, I wasn’t the one walkin’ around naked, but there I was, trying to slink down like I could hide out there on that cow path. Ernest couldn’t figure why I was holding him so tight on the leash; he wanted to run ahead. Anyway, we made it to the trees. There the path gets wider and heads up the valley along a little creek. Just as we got in the trees I could see her way up ahead. She was walking along just as naked as before. There are several paths through the trees, so I take Ernest and head up to the ridge. We are in the trees. If she looks back she won’t see us. Just off the main trail is a fallen tree. As we walk past it, I see that here is where she’s stashed her clothes. I figure she’s gotta head back this way sooner or later.

Ernest and I head up the ridge. I catch glimpses of her from time to time in the trees ahead. She’s headed straight up the valley. Soon the valley flattens out and the trees thin out. I don’t want to risk getting seen, so I stop behind a big oak. I can see her much better now. She steps out of the shade into the sun and walks up to where a log is bleaching in the sun. She sits on the log and sorta lays back in the sun. She closes her eyes. I find out that I’m holding my breath. It’s real quiet there, and I’m trying not to make a sound. She looks terrific. Her body glows golden with the sun. It’s so clear I can see the bumps on her nipples.

When she sits up and starts back down the trail. I’m sure she is headed back to her clothes. Ernest and I head out and pick up another path back to the main trail. I make it back to my car. Just on the other side of the fire road is a little sports car—one of those expensive jobs with the hardtop that slides into the trunk. I figure this is her car.

No, that’s not the end of the story. I wish it was. What I shoulda done right then is take Ernest home and forget about her. What I did was think about her. I couldn’t get her outa my mind. I’m driving along and bing, this picture pops in my mind. There she is naked with the sun pouring all over her and her tits swingin’ with every step. God, she looked good.

So, I can’t get her outa my mind. The next day, same time, I go back to the park. No dog. I figure I can get closer without the dog. But she doesn’t show up. I go back to the park every day. This thing with her is gettin’ worse. Now I’m dreaming about her. I wake up in the morning and can’t wait to get up and rush out to the park.

Finally, a week later, I get to the park and there’s the little sports car. Soon as I see that car I’m so lathered up I’m panting. I follow the same trail keeping a watch out for her all the way. When I come up to the ridge where I first saw her, I bend down low and get behind the tree. She’s not there. I think, great she’s somewhere else; you’ll never find her in this big park. But I head on to the trees. Sure enough, there behind the log are her clothes. So I go up the ridge trail hoping she’s where I saw her before. Sure enough, there she is sitting on the same log. Well, I’m ready for this, I whip out my camera and start snapping away. I get a bunch while she’s sitting there, but then she gets up and heads back, and I’m snapping the whole time.

Yeah, it happened just like I’m tellin’ ya.

Here, look at these if you don’t believe me.

See, I told you she was hot didn’t I?

Hey, that glass is empty again.

I think she’s going back, so I’m just going to lay low and follow her out, but she heads on up another trail. This is where I make my second big mistake. I go back to where she’s stashed her clothes. There is a pair of shorts, a blouse, her underwear, socks, and some dirty white tennis shoes. Then without even thinking I pick up her shorts. I take the stuff out—car keys, wallet, some money—and put that stuff in one of her shoes. Then I take the shorts, blouse, and underwear and head out. All the way out I’m thinking about her walking all the way out of the park naked and then driving home that way. By the time I get to the car, I’m a wreck just thinking about it. Just before I leave, I write down her license number. I figure she’s not going to come back here, but if I know where she lives, I can follow her out the next time. Then I drive down the road to the next fire trail and wait. I want to see her drive by. Then I’m going to follow her and check her out on the road.

About a half-hour later, here comes the sports car. Just as it goes by, I can see that she’s got some kinda beach towel over her shoulders. I figure I got these pictures, so that’s the end of that.

No, that’s not the end. I told you things got really bad. Having these pictures and seeing this great-looking girl naked isn’t bad.

But in my mind, this girl is driving me nuts. I keep thinking about her day and night. I’ve got her clothes. I keep getting them out to look at. I call my insurance guy and tell him I think some lady hit me in the parking lot, and would he look up her car license so I can talk to her? The next day he gets back to me with a name and address. Her name is Dianna. And you should see where she lives? You know those big houses up on the top of Parnassis? Well, she lives at the top. I go up there and wait the next Monday to see if she’s going to go out. Right on time, the garage opens and the sports car pulls out. I follow. She’s not going back to the same park. She heads south down the freeway. I’m starting to get worried that we’re not going to a park when she takes an exit. We go up into some other hills I’ve never seen and then down a side road to another park. This one you have to stop and pay to get into, and I’m right behind her in line. I figure she hasn’t seen me before, so why should she be suspicious?

I let her pull ahead and follow real slow. She heads straight to the far end of the parking lot. I pull into a place away from her and watch as she gets out and heads up a gravel road.

I follow her up the road. I have to keep hangin’ back and stayin’ in the shade so that I can barely see her, but I don’t want too get too far back because I figure she’s going to head off the main trail somewhere. I almost miss it when she turns down towards a stream. She leads me across the stream and then up a steep hill where there is no trail. All the time I’m following her I’m thinking what a great thing it will be when she has to walk down that road naked. There were several people in the parking lot, and the park had just opened. Soon there will be lots more. We go up over the crest of the hill and there she stops and takes her clothes off. I see her setting off naked across this little meadow. She looks great—the brown grass, the dark green trees, and this naked woman. She’s in the middle of the meadow when I catch up to her clothes. Then I have the next bad idea. I figure I’ll hide her clothes and her car keys and then follow her. I plan on telling her she can have her keys if she’ll screw me. You can tell that thinking about her has me nuts.

I follow her through some trees and then when she’s about halfway across another meadow, I step out into the meadow behind her. She doesn’t hear me, so I shout, “Hey.”

Yeah, real cool, but what would you say to a naked woman in the woods?

She stops and turns around. I figure that I’m in control. I’ve got her clothes and keys stashed. Here she is naked. She stands still while I walk up to her. She just stands there. I’m looking hard at her while I’m walking across the grass. She looks great, hard nipples, standing up, curly blond hair on her bush. I get about five or six feet from her and stop. I’m thinking I going to have a good time getting into her.

“What do you want,” she says. As cool as can be. Like we just met on a street corner.

“I stashed your clothes. I’m the one that took them a week ago. You’ll have to walk out naked.” I figure I’m going to paint a bad picture and then tell her how she can get out of it. This is where things go bad, real bad.

“You’re going to get my clothes and give them back to me.”

She says this like she’s giving me an order. I’m thinkin’, I’m supposed to be the one giving orders here, what’s going on?

I’m standing there like a dummy trying to figure it out.

She says, “if you don’t, I’m going to start walking out. When I get to the ranger station, I’m going to tell him you assaulted me, took my clothes, and said you were going to rape me. I got away and ran out to the road. The police will be here real soon. There is only one way out of this park.”

“Wait a minute,” I say. “You’re the one that’s walking around the park naked.”

I tell you we’re having this talk in the middle of this grass meadow, with me looking at the most beautiful woman I ever saw. I can’t get my eyes off her. Her breasts are a great shape, and her waist is real tight. She’s tall and her legs are long and thin.

“That’s my business. Attempted rape will get you five years. Is that what you want?”

So I take her to her clothes and hightail it out of there.

That’s the whole story. On the way over here, I realize that I will never get this woman out of my head. I figure she’s the real criminal here. I’m suffering, and I didn’t do nothin’.